...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
