If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
