My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
