It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally had phone sex last night
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
