How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
