This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
