Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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