3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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