So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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