I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
