I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
