fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
