Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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