We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
