Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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