i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
