I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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