Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
