Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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