theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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