I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
