I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
