There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Alive.
So much puke
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
