everyone is single if you try hard enough
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
