In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
