it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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