You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
