Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
