she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just invented taco cereal.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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