you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
