I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
