Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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