he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He shit in the fireplace
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
