if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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