I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is it penis luge time yet?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
