in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
