I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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