I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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