U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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