ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
