I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
