She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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