this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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