We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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