Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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