just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
