I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
