My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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