this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I AM VODKA MAN
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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