I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
