You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
